Happy (and Sad) Anniversaries

Anniversaries. When people hear that word most of them usually think of celebratory, joyous occasions. Perhaps the images of sweet cards, champagne, flowers, nice dinners, and vacations come to mind. But what happens when the anniversary marks the experience of something really really difficult?  What happens when the anniversary serves as a reminder of yet another birthday not celebrated, another grade not experienced, another life milestone not lived? Or perhaps the anniversary marks a traumatic event or a diagnosis date? Whatever the difficult time point, there is usually a “before and an after.”

 For many there is a sadness and pain that is felt when reminded of your loved one, or that day you got the news that would change your life. In some cultures, the anniversary of the death of a loved one is marked by special rituals and customs. Some people may celebrate their diaversary or cancerversary - marking the years living with diabetes or a cancer milestone. There is no "quick and easy" way around a tough anniversary day, just like there is no quick and easy way around your emotions. You can only make it through the day – by allowing it to happen, letting it pass, and going through it. It’s kind of like the way we have to let our emotions sometimes just exist and go through us. And guess what – that’s easier said than done.

As a fellow at Texas Children’s I often provided support for children and young adults who were facing death. It was a privilege and honor to be welcomed into these very difficult moments with families. The end stages of life, the setbacks in treatment, the sorrow and pain of a grieving family. I was prepared for the hard stuff to be, well, hard. What I wasn’t prepared for was how amazingly joyful some of the good stuff can be in the context of all the hard stuff. I was invited to the celebrations that marked the end of treatment for patients. Patients would enthusiastically ring the bell and their medical team, family, and friends would excitedly cheer. It got me every single time. Tears. No matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I would often look over to the other medical providers and more times than not there they were -  tears welling up in their eyes too. And you know what – there is so much power in that. There is a saying that you cannot have joy without sadness–and that is so true. So be true to yourself and to your experience. Honor your emotions, and honor that anniversary – the good ones and the ones you’d rather not have. They too serve a purpose.  Allow yourself to feel the sadness, pain, and let the actual (or metaphorical) tears flow. The anniversary day will come and it will go – just as the pain and sadness will come and it will go. You might even be reminded of the joy that comes alongside the hard stuff. 

-Andrea

So remember by celebrating that sad anniversary- you aren't celebrating the fact your loved one isn't here. You are celebrating their legacy.

And you aren't celebrating diabetes or cancer. You are celebrating YOU

Hi! I'm Andrea K. Pihlaskari, Ph.D., and am the founder and licensed psychologist at Houston Psychology and Wellness. I love working with adolescents, young adults, millenials, xenials and Xers who want to be the best version of themselves in all areas of life. Struggling with a sad anniversary? Want to learn more about how you can get through that day with grace and even a little joy?

Fill out the contact information or call 832.430.2015 to schedule your free 15 minute consultation. We can work together to help honor "that day" in whatever way makes sense for you.

5 ways to bring Spring Break vacation mindset to your everyday

Growing up I was lucky enough to often spend my Spring Break week visiting Mexico with my grandparents and extended family. I would spend time with family, meet new friends, and learn about the small Mexican town where my maternal grandparents grew up.  On those years where we stayed in Houston for Spring Break, we would take full advantage of that rare week in the year where Houstonian humidity, heat, and mosquitoes had not quite taken over. It was a glorious week filled with more daylight, trips to Astroworld*, Galveston, and the local swimming pool. Suffice to say, I have wonderful and very fond Spring Break memories. Whenever this time of year rolls around, I’m reminded of the emotions associated with Spring Break. That sense of adventure, excitement, giddiness, optimism and euphoria that having a week off from school brings.  As an adult, Spring Break still brings back that nostalgic sense of excitement. Spring Break vacation mindset – no one wants it to end! Well here is the good news- it doesn’t have to end!

Here are 5 ways that you can help bring Spring Break vacation mindset to your everyday:

1.)   Change it up!

Bring vacation mindset to your everyday in small ways. One of the aspects of vacation that makes it so desirable is that you are experiencing new things. There are tiny ways that you can bring that sense of adventure and newness to your humdrum routine. So even if it is changing up the restaurant that you choose, discovering a new running route/trail, taking a different exercise class, or learning a new skill. The novelty of new and different is part of what makes vacation fun!

2.)   Discover your town through the eyes of a tourist.

This is a fun one and sort of related to the “change it up” tip above. Look around and you would be amazed at how many little shops, restaurants, or streets that you have never explored. Think, what would a visitor be interested in visiting? Or what would be unique about my part of town? The cool thing about living in Houston is that you can drive for 20 minutes in any direction and feel like you are in a completely different city. Take a trip to the other side of town and discover what it has to offer. You’d be amazed at how the vacay fuzzies start showing up.

3.)   Be mindful of things that bring you joy on  vacation and begin to pencil those into your everyday life.  

Ok so swimming with dolphins, or enjoying that glass of wine while watching the waves roll in may not feasibly be a part of your everyday life. Or perhaps they are, and if so- lucky you!!! But for those of us not so lucky perhaps there are other aspects of your vacation that you can bring home. Maybe its eating a really good home cooked meal, or maybe it’s when you can explore a new restaurant. Perhaps walking your dog, or really having time to engage in conversation with your kids. Maybe it’s a hobby like photography, going to the movies, or just meeting new people. Perhaps it’s something as simple as drinking your coffee in peace. Figure out what it is that makes you feel really good and re-energized on vacation and find a way to translate that to your everyday life. Perhaps this means signing up for a new class, or intentionally setting time aside to just sit in a coffee shop and read that non-work book. Whatever that may be for you – do it on purpose and regularly.

4.)   Reconnect with friends and loved ones.  

For some individuals solitude is re-energizing. For myself and many others feeling connected and spending time with those I care about makes me feel re-energized. So even if it’s a skype date or phone date- reach out to those you love (and who love you) and get that fill of your connectivity to others. It’s a great way to keep in touch, bring meaning to relationships, and keep the re-energizing feeling of vacation mindset going.

5.)   Schedule daily sunshine time.

Ok so not everyone’s ideal vacation is lounging around on the beach and soaking up rays. But, most spring breaks do include a lot of outside time. Find a way to get outside more. This is especially true if you work under flattering fluorescent lighting and/or are stuck in an office with no windows. Find even a small 5-minute break in your day and take your coffee break outdoors. Perhaps it would be feasible to walk a bit around the block to break up your day. Maybe it’s even driving home with the windows down in your car. Whatever you can do to connect with the outside will help your everyday feel like vacation.  

Ok – so what you are waiting for??!! Get out there and start getting into Spring Break mindset mode this week.

-Andrea

Hi! I'm Andrea K. Pihlaskari, Ph.D., and am the founder and licensed psychologist at Houston Psychology and Wellness. I love working with adolescents, young adults, and any individual who wants to be the best version of themselves in all areas of life. Struggling with the humdrum of life? Are you constantly planning or looking forward to your next vacation, only to be in agony of coming back to reality? Wishing you could bring more vacation mindset to your everyday?

Fill out the contact information or call 832.430.2015 to schedule your free 15 minute consultation. We can work together to help you bring a little more vacation mindset to your everyday. 

*Astroworld  - native Houstonians of a certain age know what I’m talking about. Basically a six flags theme park that was decommissioned in 2005. It is now the area south of the 610 loop between Fannin and Kirby that is used for Rodeo parking overflow. Many of the rides have gone to other six flags theme parks. 

Olympic Lessons: Staying in The Moment, Growing Through The Struggle, and “The Why?”

I love Olympic season. It’s the best display of human strength, endurance, resilience, hope, and mental focus all wrapped up in the context of entertaining performances, nail biting runs, beautiful artistry, and colorful commentary (yes, Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir have taken this to a new level of amazing-ness).

 As I’ve been watching the Winter Olympics, one thing that keeps coming to mind are the years of training, preparation, and dedication that lead up to these performances, runs, routines that are over in sometimes less than a few minutes – if that. The millions upon millions of minutes, and what is usually a lifetime of minutes, all lead up to just these few moments in time of “do or don’t.” It’s a hell of a lot of pressure.

It’s refreshing to hear some of the Olympians talk about anxiety and nerves. They have every reason to be nervous- many of their careers depend on these few moments. In many ways success depends on how well these nerves and strong emotions can be harnessed into physically succeeding for these few moments in time. In competition, the hard work of daily training, preparation, growth, strengthening, and overcoming losses and “bad” days are past, and now it’s time to show everyone what all the work is about. The ability for an athlete to stay in the present moment, be mindful, and remain confident in their preparation is the key to victory.

The ability to view “nerves” as “extra energy” and channel this into their performance to make themselves quicker, better, stronger is the definition of a competitor. The ability to work through a minor misstep, a small trip, a failed move, and not allowing it to snowball into a disastrous performance, is the definition of what it means to be a world class competitor. The ability to do this is what many people call staying in the moment. This moment right now.

As you read this text, focus on the words. Feel yourself in your chair, or feel your finger on your smartphone screen or mouse pad. Pay attention to your breathing, or lack thereof. The ability to be in the present moment is what makes Olympic hopefuls – champions. The ability to just be. Not wasting energy on what just happened or what might happen. Being in The Now, The Present. 

There are far more Olympic “losers” than “winners.” I know what you’re thinking, just making it to the Olympics is an enormous accomplishment in itself, but don’t tell that to the world class champions that will do anything for a spot on the podium. Winning is fun, an ego-boost, and truly validates all of the hard work – BUT I think the TRUE lesson in all sports whether it’s on an Olympic stage or a kid’s Tee-ball game, is how people deal with the losses. Losses can teach you a lot more than your wins. Yes, I know it sounds trite, but it is very true!

Losses can test your passion, resolve, and persistence. More importantly, losing can challenge you to grow through the struggle of becoming better.

The pain and agony of defeat may serve as a reminder, that you may never want to feel that way again. It can become the driving force to get you out of bed for those early morning runs, training sessions, and drive you to become the best version of yourself you can be. It’s fun to win, and it’s fun to compete, but true champions are made in the way that they respond to losing. A champion has lost many times. But champions don’t respond to losing by giving up, they respond by persisting. They lean on their love and passion for their sport and they focus on “the why?”

Although the Olympics may be very far out of reach for many of us, the lessons that it brings about what it means to be a champion and what it takes to be a champion can be very relevant to our everyday lives. In what area of life are you striving to be a champion? Are you staying in the moment, neither overly focusing on what happened in the past or what might happen in the future? 

Are you letting yourself be defined by how you respond to your losses and not the misstep or loss itself? Are you focusing on the “why?” of what you’re doing and your passion for it?

Champions are made in how well they can harness and respond to negative emotions and their ability to persist. This is a lot easier said than done. Olympians have had a lifetime of practice, their coaches, trainers, medical team, and I’m sure a sports psychologist or two, to help them out. Many of us are competing in our own everyday version of the Olympics. Just as an Olympian can grow from support and guidance of a coach or sports psychologist, perhaps you are too hoping to react to loss from a growth mindset. Maybe you keep replaying that “stupid” mistake over and over in your head and are having trouble moving on. Perhaps you are in search of the “why?” in what you are doing. Here is where talking to someone, like a licensed psychologist, can help you “get out of your own head,” and into the world. In doing so, you can learn how to grow through the struggle and make steps towards your own championship- whatever that may be for you.

-Andrea

Hi! I'm Andrea K. Pihlaskari, Ph.D., and am the founder and licensed psychologist at Houston Psychology and Wellness. I love working with adolescents, young adults, and any individual who wants to be the best version of themselves in all areas of life. Struggling with your everyday version of The Olympics? Are you constantly expending energy on what happened yesterday or are constantly worrying about what might happen tomorrow? Still in search of your "why?" in it all...

Fill out the contact information and schedule a visit. We can work on getting you on the road to your championship. Or you can call 832.430.2015 for your free 15 minute phone consultation.