Happy (and Sad) Anniversaries

Anniversaries. When people hear that word most of them usually think of celebratory, joyous occasions. Perhaps the images of sweet cards, champagne, flowers, nice dinners, and vacations come to mind. But what happens when the anniversary marks the experience of something really really difficult?  What happens when the anniversary serves as a reminder of yet another birthday not celebrated, another grade not experienced, another life milestone not lived? Or perhaps the anniversary marks a traumatic event or a diagnosis date? Whatever the difficult time point, there is usually a “before and an after.”

 For many there is a sadness and pain that is felt when reminded of your loved one, or that day you got the news that would change your life. In some cultures, the anniversary of the death of a loved one is marked by special rituals and customs. Some people may celebrate their diaversary or cancerversary - marking the years living with diabetes or a cancer milestone. There is no "quick and easy" way around a tough anniversary day, just like there is no quick and easy way around your emotions. You can only make it through the day – by allowing it to happen, letting it pass, and going through it. It’s kind of like the way we have to let our emotions sometimes just exist and go through us. And guess what – that’s easier said than done.

As a fellow at Texas Children’s I often provided support for children and young adults who were facing death. It was a privilege and honor to be welcomed into these very difficult moments with families. The end stages of life, the setbacks in treatment, the sorrow and pain of a grieving family. I was prepared for the hard stuff to be, well, hard. What I wasn’t prepared for was how amazingly joyful some of the good stuff can be in the context of all the hard stuff. I was invited to the celebrations that marked the end of treatment for patients. Patients would enthusiastically ring the bell and their medical team, family, and friends would excitedly cheer. It got me every single time. Tears. No matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I would often look over to the other medical providers and more times than not there they were -  tears welling up in their eyes too. And you know what – there is so much power in that. There is a saying that you cannot have joy without sadness–and that is so true. So be true to yourself and to your experience. Honor your emotions, and honor that anniversary – the good ones and the ones you’d rather not have. They too serve a purpose.  Allow yourself to feel the sadness, pain, and let the actual (or metaphorical) tears flow. The anniversary day will come and it will go – just as the pain and sadness will come and it will go. You might even be reminded of the joy that comes alongside the hard stuff. 

-Andrea

So remember by celebrating that sad anniversary- you aren't celebrating the fact your loved one isn't here. You are celebrating their legacy.

And you aren't celebrating diabetes or cancer. You are celebrating YOU

Hi! I'm Andrea K. Pihlaskari, Ph.D., and am the founder and licensed psychologist at Houston Psychology and Wellness. I love working with adolescents, young adults, millenials, xenials and Xers who want to be the best version of themselves in all areas of life. Struggling with a sad anniversary? Want to learn more about how you can get through that day with grace and even a little joy?

Fill out the contact information or call 832.430.2015 to schedule your free 15 minute consultation. We can work together to help honor "that day" in whatever way makes sense for you.

Olympic Lessons: Staying in The Moment, Growing Through The Struggle, and “The Why?”

I love Olympic season. It’s the best display of human strength, endurance, resilience, hope, and mental focus all wrapped up in the context of entertaining performances, nail biting runs, beautiful artistry, and colorful commentary (yes, Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir have taken this to a new level of amazing-ness).

 As I’ve been watching the Winter Olympics, one thing that keeps coming to mind are the years of training, preparation, and dedication that lead up to these performances, runs, routines that are over in sometimes less than a few minutes – if that. The millions upon millions of minutes, and what is usually a lifetime of minutes, all lead up to just these few moments in time of “do or don’t.” It’s a hell of a lot of pressure.

It’s refreshing to hear some of the Olympians talk about anxiety and nerves. They have every reason to be nervous- many of their careers depend on these few moments. In many ways success depends on how well these nerves and strong emotions can be harnessed into physically succeeding for these few moments in time. In competition, the hard work of daily training, preparation, growth, strengthening, and overcoming losses and “bad” days are past, and now it’s time to show everyone what all the work is about. The ability for an athlete to stay in the present moment, be mindful, and remain confident in their preparation is the key to victory.

The ability to view “nerves” as “extra energy” and channel this into their performance to make themselves quicker, better, stronger is the definition of a competitor. The ability to work through a minor misstep, a small trip, a failed move, and not allowing it to snowball into a disastrous performance, is the definition of what it means to be a world class competitor. The ability to do this is what many people call staying in the moment. This moment right now.

As you read this text, focus on the words. Feel yourself in your chair, or feel your finger on your smartphone screen or mouse pad. Pay attention to your breathing, or lack thereof. The ability to be in the present moment is what makes Olympic hopefuls – champions. The ability to just be. Not wasting energy on what just happened or what might happen. Being in The Now, The Present. 

There are far more Olympic “losers” than “winners.” I know what you’re thinking, just making it to the Olympics is an enormous accomplishment in itself, but don’t tell that to the world class champions that will do anything for a spot on the podium. Winning is fun, an ego-boost, and truly validates all of the hard work – BUT I think the TRUE lesson in all sports whether it’s on an Olympic stage or a kid’s Tee-ball game, is how people deal with the losses. Losses can teach you a lot more than your wins. Yes, I know it sounds trite, but it is very true!

Losses can test your passion, resolve, and persistence. More importantly, losing can challenge you to grow through the struggle of becoming better.

The pain and agony of defeat may serve as a reminder, that you may never want to feel that way again. It can become the driving force to get you out of bed for those early morning runs, training sessions, and drive you to become the best version of yourself you can be. It’s fun to win, and it’s fun to compete, but true champions are made in the way that they respond to losing. A champion has lost many times. But champions don’t respond to losing by giving up, they respond by persisting. They lean on their love and passion for their sport and they focus on “the why?”

Although the Olympics may be very far out of reach for many of us, the lessons that it brings about what it means to be a champion and what it takes to be a champion can be very relevant to our everyday lives. In what area of life are you striving to be a champion? Are you staying in the moment, neither overly focusing on what happened in the past or what might happen in the future? 

Are you letting yourself be defined by how you respond to your losses and not the misstep or loss itself? Are you focusing on the “why?” of what you’re doing and your passion for it?

Champions are made in how well they can harness and respond to negative emotions and their ability to persist. This is a lot easier said than done. Olympians have had a lifetime of practice, their coaches, trainers, medical team, and I’m sure a sports psychologist or two, to help them out. Many of us are competing in our own everyday version of the Olympics. Just as an Olympian can grow from support and guidance of a coach or sports psychologist, perhaps you are too hoping to react to loss from a growth mindset. Maybe you keep replaying that “stupid” mistake over and over in your head and are having trouble moving on. Perhaps you are in search of the “why?” in what you are doing. Here is where talking to someone, like a licensed psychologist, can help you “get out of your own head,” and into the world. In doing so, you can learn how to grow through the struggle and make steps towards your own championship- whatever that may be for you.

-Andrea

Hi! I'm Andrea K. Pihlaskari, Ph.D., and am the founder and licensed psychologist at Houston Psychology and Wellness. I love working with adolescents, young adults, and any individual who wants to be the best version of themselves in all areas of life. Struggling with your everyday version of The Olympics? Are you constantly expending energy on what happened yesterday or are constantly worrying about what might happen tomorrow? Still in search of your "why?" in it all...

Fill out the contact information and schedule a visit. We can work on getting you on the road to your championship. Or you can call 832.430.2015 for your free 15 minute phone consultation.